Pandora's Scar
Have you ever froze?
Freeze; as in you are the only one not moving, as the rest of the world passes by you in a blur. I have. In fact, all the time that I’ve ever frozen is when I meet this guy, W, whom I had a crush on since I was 12.
Which is weird because W is not divine looking or anything. He does not have the body or the looks like Brad Pitt. He is just some regular guy who you sometimes noticed and sometimes not. So why do I freeze badly whenever I see him? By badly, I mean, seriously dehydrated and not moving even an inch. I’ve never frozen before in front all my other crushes. But with him, it’s different. Is it because he made me realized that I was not a lesbian? Or is it because I used to hate him so much that finally the hatred turned to something more deadly…love? I am confused.
If you like someone, he will always be in your mind right? You will have a mental picture of him in your mind. So that when you miss him, you will just close your eyes and he will appear right in front of you. It’s the same with me. I’ve kept a mental picture of him in my mind for about 5 years now. Slowly without me realizing it, part of his face had begun to disappear. Finally, about two months ago, he completely disappears. Whenever I close my eyes, he does not appear in front of me anymore. Part of me is saddened by this but mostly I’m elated. No longer do I have to see his face in my mind and be reminded of him. But all this change on the dreaded Friday the 14th.
It was a typical Friday afternoon. I had just finished watching, "Maid In Manhattan", which may I add does not leave that much impact compared to "Notting Hill & Company". Anyway, after that, instead of taking the bus, I’ve decided to walk home. A quarter into the journey, I suddenly had this urge to take the bus. I don’t know why but I just do. So I took the long route bus as I wish to admire the scenery…actually I just want to waste my time! As the bus stop at the place where W usually board, I had this weird thought. "Maybe I will see W today…” So much for the show of irony.
As if it was predestined, suddenly there was this guy running towards the bus. He stopped just in front the bus to lead a pregnant lady pass through first with a smile. And I thought to myself that the world could use a bit of a smile someday. Only when the boy turned his head and I had a close up look did I notice it was W.
I froze.
As he boards the bus, I just wanted to call out to him, to let him know, " I am here. Look at me. Tell me you remember me." But I could not. As he walked pass my seat, I could catch a whiff of his cologne. Tears began to well up in my eyes.
Finally, I could stand it no longer. I decided to alight one stop earlier than usual. So I pressed the bell. Unfortunately, the door refuses to open. So I pressed the bell again and again like a mad person. By now, all eyes were on me. All eyes except his. He was looking everywhere, elsewhere except at me. I swore I felt as if my heart had shattered to a million broken pieces. That’s when it struck me. Maybe its not that he did not recognize me, maybe he just doesn’t want to. As I alight from the bus step by step, the song " I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclachlan began to play in my head.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for memories…
But all hopes were not lost. As the bus began to drive off, I said to myself, " maybe he will turn his head back and look at me.
“1, 2…5 seconds passed and the bus is now completely out of my sight. I finally got my long awaited answer.
It’s over. I ain’t worth his time.
As I walked home, a slight drizzle had began to start. That moment, all sorts of emotions surged through me like knives. Teardrops that had been long overdue began to drop rapidly. I was uncontrollable. But I told myself to be strong. I told myself that there are others who suffered more. But no matter what I told myself I know that deep down this is going to leave a deep scar.
A scar that I will keep in my Pandora’s Box. Never to be relive ever again with all the drudgery of life. Just like the bad fashion sense of the 60s.
Fin.
Freeze; as in you are the only one not moving, as the rest of the world passes by you in a blur. I have. In fact, all the time that I’ve ever frozen is when I meet this guy, W, whom I had a crush on since I was 12.
Which is weird because W is not divine looking or anything. He does not have the body or the looks like Brad Pitt. He is just some regular guy who you sometimes noticed and sometimes not. So why do I freeze badly whenever I see him? By badly, I mean, seriously dehydrated and not moving even an inch. I’ve never frozen before in front all my other crushes. But with him, it’s different. Is it because he made me realized that I was not a lesbian? Or is it because I used to hate him so much that finally the hatred turned to something more deadly…love? I am confused.
If you like someone, he will always be in your mind right? You will have a mental picture of him in your mind. So that when you miss him, you will just close your eyes and he will appear right in front of you. It’s the same with me. I’ve kept a mental picture of him in my mind for about 5 years now. Slowly without me realizing it, part of his face had begun to disappear. Finally, about two months ago, he completely disappears. Whenever I close my eyes, he does not appear in front of me anymore. Part of me is saddened by this but mostly I’m elated. No longer do I have to see his face in my mind and be reminded of him. But all this change on the dreaded Friday the 14th.
It was a typical Friday afternoon. I had just finished watching, "Maid In Manhattan", which may I add does not leave that much impact compared to "Notting Hill & Company". Anyway, after that, instead of taking the bus, I’ve decided to walk home. A quarter into the journey, I suddenly had this urge to take the bus. I don’t know why but I just do. So I took the long route bus as I wish to admire the scenery…actually I just want to waste my time! As the bus stop at the place where W usually board, I had this weird thought. "Maybe I will see W today…” So much for the show of irony.
As if it was predestined, suddenly there was this guy running towards the bus. He stopped just in front the bus to lead a pregnant lady pass through first with a smile. And I thought to myself that the world could use a bit of a smile someday. Only when the boy turned his head and I had a close up look did I notice it was W.
I froze.
As he boards the bus, I just wanted to call out to him, to let him know, " I am here. Look at me. Tell me you remember me." But I could not. As he walked pass my seat, I could catch a whiff of his cologne. Tears began to well up in my eyes.
Finally, I could stand it no longer. I decided to alight one stop earlier than usual. So I pressed the bell. Unfortunately, the door refuses to open. So I pressed the bell again and again like a mad person. By now, all eyes were on me. All eyes except his. He was looking everywhere, elsewhere except at me. I swore I felt as if my heart had shattered to a million broken pieces. That’s when it struck me. Maybe its not that he did not recognize me, maybe he just doesn’t want to. As I alight from the bus step by step, the song " I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclachlan began to play in my head.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for memories…
But all hopes were not lost. As the bus began to drive off, I said to myself, " maybe he will turn his head back and look at me.
“1, 2…5 seconds passed and the bus is now completely out of my sight. I finally got my long awaited answer.
It’s over. I ain’t worth his time.
As I walked home, a slight drizzle had began to start. That moment, all sorts of emotions surged through me like knives. Teardrops that had been long overdue began to drop rapidly. I was uncontrollable. But I told myself to be strong. I told myself that there are others who suffered more. But no matter what I told myself I know that deep down this is going to leave a deep scar.
A scar that I will keep in my Pandora’s Box. Never to be relive ever again with all the drudgery of life. Just like the bad fashion sense of the 60s.
Fin.
